Diving deeper into my shadow self, decluttering those “empty” spaces and filling with air the suffocating corners of my mind, I could finally bring light to certain aspects of my life that I wasn’t able to inspect from the observers seat.
Until a certain age or a certain ‘realisation point’ our self-esteem is very much shaped by our surroundings. Many of us allow others to define the trajectory of our self-perception, instead of self-validating our own body/soul. Through this text, I would like to share my own journey, hoping that some will relate and find their own conclusions. I believe our ‘self-esteem’ goes through a few crucial processes.
The first roots are planted by our parents/family. Many of us heard the term ‘childhood trauma’ – specific events in the childhood that can influence the future behavior in the adulthood. But few realise that childhood trauma isn’t really the catalyst of a low self-esteem. Of course it will leave a mark, but that mark is fixable, as it lays on the conscious level of our perception. The crucial impact that our parents have on our future self-esteem is the way they treat themselves.
- Have you noticed how often you speak your mother’s/ father’s words back to yourself (not the ones they told you, but the ones they told themselves)?
Example: If your mother has always treated herself with respect, calling her own ‘imperfect’ reflection in the mirror a beautiful one, without any judgement, as a child you will, unconsciously, pick up on that. If your father thought of himself as caring and ambitious, and didn’t put toxic pressure on himself due to some minor failures, you will eventually treat yourself in the same way.
When I first stumbled upon this study, it took me some time to process it and realise how true it came out to be. I am as loving and as harsh to myself as they are to themselves. In time I have gradually realised that some of their patterns can be changed through me and that I can hold a mirror towards their reflection.
As a matter of fact, if one family member goes through a spiritual transformation, the family line, backwards and forwards, starts to re-adjust according to the high frequency generated by one single individual. That is why, CHANGE STARTS WITH US! Become an example, an authentic bearer of light.
Another factor that, in my belief, had a crucial impact on my own self-awareness and self-esteem is the RELATIONSHIPS – as friendships or as partnerships. I have realised that an enormous part of me couldn’t express herself freely on this topic as the wounds were too deep and not fully healed. The day has come, baby.
As I have mentioned earlier, very often, until we step fully into our grace, we get influenced by others. You may be an incredibly ambitious person, yet until you don’t have A STRONG SENSE OF SELF, you are easily readjusted and manipulated. I admit it has happened to me and sometimes it feels like it has destroyed me from the core of my being. My self-esteem and self-love fell so low that I didn’t even feel worthy of this life. And I am grateful, because the lessons have changed me.
In time, when I found myself in a healthier mental state, in nurturing relationships (partner/ friends), I began deconstructing my patterns. My patterns. We are not responsible for how others act, we are only responsible for our reactions and our own steps.
Therefore, I STARTED ASKING:
- What pieces in ME created an ecosystem to receive the amount of domination and abuse that I experienced? What in ME created that? The hardest when you are in an abusive relationship is that you are unable to see the root of the trauma. You don’t realise that it is happening, but you do feel it, through your body’s responses. Have you noticed?
- What in ME said yes to things that I wouldn’t even allow in my child’s field?
- What in ME said yes to somebody speaking to me like that, treating me like that?
- What in ME said yes to financial and sexual manipulation?
- What in ME said yes to somebody lying to me about our lifestyle, about this relationship, about their feelings that were completely seen through as not truthful?
And this was an important topic and crucial questions to ask as I started not to blame the other person and do the work, see what inside of me took those horrid decisions.
I hope that with these questions you will find your own revelations 🕊
Catalina Cazacu 