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Lost.

First there was the sky, then there were the trees, out of them rose a hill, on the top of the hill an architectural masterpiece came to be, marking a city and the world of eternity.

I got lost in this city that didn’t even know me. People were speaking words, the musicality of which, i couldn’t understand. I walked the narrow streets and fell in love with an empty concrete jungle whose life used to whisper from behind the corners. I wandered around with absolute carefulness, not wanting to disturb the leaves and the stones that fell asleep long before i stepped these grounds.

Suddenly, in the distance, the sound of church bells and a sunset, covering the white concrete jungle village with its light. I sank together with it.

Graduation.

I came to the UK after I finished my studies in Chisinau. It was a spontaneous decision as I wanted to do an acting degree in ‘the place’ (London) that kept haunting my dreams.

I still remember getting accepted into the Staffordshire University (which is almost 300km from London) and leaving behind everything I was so used to in order to make a childish dream come true. I felt alienated from each one of my classmates and people in general, my English was quite broken, I was shy, had too much free time on my hands, couldn’t cook and was quite bad at making friends. I was scared, yet there was something out there, calling, so I decided to apply for drama schools again. For your personal knowledge, they usually accept 16 people per course.

I kept traveling back and forth, during most of my weekends, from Stoke-on-Trent to London, just to try my luck into getting where I wanted to be. I remember getting lost so many times in this jungle of a city, delivering my monologues while being a chicken or a Nazi, spending my days alone near Thames and hoping. I kept on dreaming. Sometimes I think that’s the only right thing to do. To dream. To live hoping that one day you’ll make it.

I finally got accepted into East 15 Acting School, Cert HE course, which is just one year of training before applying again to get a ‘proper’ degree. It wasn’t what I wanted but sometimes you just have to take every drop of courage that you have and just go for it. Eventually, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

It was still far away from London. Southend-on-Sea swallowed into its seashore not only the mesmerising sunsets, but also me. Later that year, being accepted into BA Acting (International), in London,  I realised that I had lost myself somewhere on the way. I had the prize in my hands, yet there was nothing to be happy about. I stepped through the gates of East 15 and acknowledged, for the first time, that i had an enormous hole eating me from the inside. I was lonely. There were always two women, at least, inside of me: one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, dance like there is no tomorrow, wild and spontaneous, masking her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest…

During my first year it got worse and I wanted to drop everything, yet I found people that made me realise that all of us grow in different dimensions, unevenly. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, but it fixes us all, eventually.  I understood that we are made up of layers, cells, constellations. All of us. Through their love, I finally realised that I should love and accept myself. I started to create, write, play, act, exist, live, love, give, take and simply be.  I made friends, fell in love (deeply and genuinely), wrote a play, got to be f*cking Hamlet (ahhh!) and explored myself.

Five years later I finally graduated. YAY! And I also signed with HARVEY STEIN ASSOCIATES at the end of this May, so double or even triple YAY!

Just a little reminder: Sometimes we should be a little proud of ourselves, because when we look back at things, they actually matter.

More pictures:
EAST 15 Acting School
HAMLET
AMISSA ALMA

Fiori.

Coming home to Moldova is like jumping back in time to a place stuck in between the hands of a clock. A place where the people, architecture, ideologies, roads, nature were left behind in the whirlwind of fate. A country of contrasts that can both baffle and impress you.

Yet to me it appears to be a gem that forgot its uniqueness. Perchance i am simply lured by the small unseen things this world is hiding, or it just happens to be that this post-soviet country appears to my eyes as a cinematic inspiration.

From Chisinau to Orhei to Odessa (Ukraine) to Drepcauti and back to Chisinau. A week that shook the British depressive rain from my bones and aroused something special in the gasps of my irises.

I held my grandparents’ hands and saw that time is cruel, walked the broken roads of my childhood, shared the most beautiful seconds with my incredible parents, had ‘deep conversations’ with my 5 cats, saw the infinity of the sky that is like a roof fretted with golden fire, kissed the sea and the sun in Odessa, threw away some of my insecurities, reconnected with theatre, felt new emotions, fell in love with my friends and their minds, had great Moldovan wine and a loooong talk with an insanely brave and creative soul that got lost somewhere in my past, danced like there is no tomorrow, wrote cosmic poems in the middle of the night with my beyond wonderful friend and found a beam of happiness.

And now, with coffee in between the clouds and kisses by the sun i will make the world happen.

 

 

 

Thoughts (8 oct 2017)

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My mind is a waterfall of thoughts and any amount of words seem either too little or too much. I was falling. Falling through time and space, stars, sky and everything in between. I fell for days and weeks and what i felt like was a lifetime across lifetimes. It terrified me until i forgot i was falling. And in that floating moment i understood that all this time i looked at my own existence through a different pair of eyes. If you think about it, even the process of falling might seem exciting in a way.

I am not scared anymore. Maybe a little.

Actually, even if i am somewhere in between, or on the ground, looking at the beautiful sky through my window or enjoying his kiss while someone plays Philip Glass on the streets of London; even if the pain, like arrows, broke through my eyes and fell on the cheeks or if i am swimming through the notes of a sad song just because i enjoy the melancholy of the moment; even if i am re-reading my favorite book or if his touches are so full of intention that every brush of his palms feel like he is writing a novel on my skin – I want to relish the intensity of that moment. I am happy to finally feel alive. Thank you.

Silence.

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One day i will evaporate and become a quintessence of dust blown gently by the wind.
One day i will become invisible to the eye and will turn into the rustling of the leaves and the music of the rain.

One day i will be a constellation, a tree, a thought fastly passing by, the Universe, the stars that you will gaze at in the darkness of the night sky, yet you will be too blind to know that it was me.

One of those days filled with pain, that thousand tears can’t satisfy, so they keep asking for tears still.
One day I will become a floating scent of misunderstood misunderstandings.

And maybe one day it won’t hurt anymore because the rustling of my heart will become silent as i will smoke all the stars until there will be no more stars left for you to gaze at.

Serenity.

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Love broke my bones and I laughed. Why did nobody tell me earlier that you can fall in love with a variety of things, not only humans? What does it mean falling in love? It is like silences colliding into the nothingness of a moment, it is like droplets falling gently from the sky on your cheeks, it is like the smell of air after the rain, it is like the wind playing with your hair while you stand on the top of a hill looking into the deep, endless horizon, it is like the sunset where the sea swallowed the sun in its embrace, it is like a beautiful morning after a terrible storm. It is like your entire being decomposes into dust and every pore of your skin feels the breath of the Universe.

I remember falling in love with him for the first time. It felt like I am levitating above my own body and seeing the macrocosm clutched in my bones and stars plated in my soul. Firstly, I fell for his eyes, where stars locked themselves in the gasp of his irises. Part earth, part sea, half wind, half fire. Have you ever seen dark brown eyes in the sun? They melt into golden rays, turning into a sunset of their own. You couldn’t stop falling for each inch of him. When you start loving it is like it keeps radiating through you. Like you can’t stop sharing it and craving more and more. You wake up and the first thing you see is the sunrise blushing for you and you just can’t help not thinking about him, about the world, about that magic that only you, in that little room, at that very second experienced.

But. There is always a but, isn’t there? Have you noticed that everything this life has to offer comes with sides? One lifts you to the highest heavens, while the other casts you to the lowest hell. Sometimes though, only sometimes love intoxicates me. It comes in shapes and covers my eyes and ears, mouth and soul with a transparent cloth through which I just… I just can’t breathe. It becomes too much. It leaves me blind, deaf and speechless. But only sometimes.

I am water.

fly

I am water.
The water of the well you cry yourself in.
The water that throws the answers above the questions.
The water that a simple bucket cannot reach.
The water that drinks her own hands.
The water with sight beyond the reachable.
The water that listens.
The water with all the known and drown senses.
Mirror yourself in me.
No one will ever know
As not everything is there to be said.